where to start?
first off i never said you were a bad father. i said its being chiyas dad that makes you a good person. but seemingly you misunderstood that. just as i misunderstood you being a great dad as you being serious about being involved.

there is nothing wrong about “playing the field” i’m a hypoocrite if i state otherwise. however it isn’t cool to portray this lovey dovey want to nest with you type of guy when you are still on the prowl for the next new and interesting piece of ass.

do you understand it’s not that you didn’t want to be in a relationship with me, its that you portrayed to me that you wanted to be in a relationship with me but really you wanted to continue playing the field.  it was the “sneakiness” of the situation that annoyed me.

i was very disappointed in you. and your little out of nowhere texts and messages of ” i will always love you” and “i miss you” and “you are on my mind” really began to bother me. because they were reminders that you were still “playing” that role.

i think the last time we spoke you even mentioned that you were single again. why? i never answered your messages because i didn’t want to hear any more of your role playing. acting all flirty with me and such.

i am a happy person. i have my two beautiful and intelligent boys, and i’m doing a job that challenges me and entertains me everyday and i’m in a writers workshop and i’m about to finish my first album and i have been “talking” to a really cool guy. he’s even older than me, crazy isn’t it?

of course i am full of wrath and bitterness and cynicism as well and i feel i channel it away from my day to day and because i’m in a writers workshop i HAVE to write everyday so i just put it all there.

you’ve deleted me as your friend on myspace before and i didn’t mind then. i don’t particularly mind now. i AM that wonderful girl you were praising today. i just don’t feel you deserve her around you.

peace

bug,
used to think you were more like ariel and jeff: virtuous and selfless.  Its what i wanted to see. I mistook fatherhood as thoughtful and steady. I was wrong. You are of the sheff and gil stock. You know what i mean. I have to have a sheff in my life,because of Alexi, but i don’t need or want another one.
i’m a good,caring person and if you were really my friend, if we were true friends, i would’ve been more than happy to take care of you. the thing is, i wasn’t sure if you were really sick or just doing the “adam” exagerration thing to get attention because i wasn’t answering any of your communication attempts.
you aren’t a good guy, bug, sorry to be the one to break it to ya, but you aren’t one of the good ones. You had potential as a youth and chiya gives you chances everyday but i think that part is gone.
thats why i don’t respond anymore. you aren’t gonna change and i really don’t care for the careless individual you’ve become.
take care of that beautiful girl.
sincerly,
s

dear mama,

i knew the job was dangerous when i took it. yeah yeah yeah. same story, same characters, different players is all.
i think my issue is i am too prima facie. i mean seriously with me what you see right off is what you get forever unless you dissappoint me, then its over.
i think people are so accustomed to playing the game that they forget to just “cop a squat” and enjoy the picnic. Sad.
i started it. i was soo interested until i noticed though interested in me he kept cultivating more interested parties. no worries, i started it. i knew what ring i was walking into.
the draw was the interest and passion and joie de vive that i got back from interacting with him. i felt alive and excited and a girl again. then one day i got a picture from him that he had previosly sent and the lights all started blinking- red.
i figured if he sent it to me again he was having trouble remembering which picture he was sending and to whom. Basically, it put me in my place, and reminded me that he likes to keeps his ‘fans’ happy.and i was just one of them.
yuck. at that point my interest deflated like a balloon. i mean really, just picutre the balloon flying around the room deflating and making that horrible noise when you stop pinching it together to hold the air in.
of course plans were already made, so there was a weekend trip planned that was about to happen. so it did. it was fun. i must admit. i had resoved myself to have fun because why shouldn’t i?  it wasnt going anywhere from there but sometimes living life in the moment is a good, vivacious thing. so i did.
then it was my turn. i conveniently needed a holiday and he wanted someone to hang out with him for his bday. convenient, right? right. again, nothing big, just living in the moment sort of thing. enjoying the little things and not concerning myself with the “big picture.” we had fun. but i realised fun isn’t enough, i want romance too. and because of his “other interests” i couldn’t allow myself  to be romantically involved so that was a useless venture.
he told me “not to give up on him.” but i didn’t understand what that meant. i still don’t, i was interested but his other interests turned me off. so i’m done.
does that mean i “gave up on him?”
i kinda feel like if you meet someone that sparks something, then you should investigate that spark. i have a one track mind, though i have juggled men in the past, but if its a good man, i need all my energies just for him!
i dropped my “other interests” to focus on how i felt about him, just him. he was unable to do the same so it made my assesment easy.
who watches arrested developement religiosly like my household? when i got back from my trip last month i told my sister “i’ve made a huge mistake.”
its funny if you get the reference.
i don’t share, i don’t get jealous, I turn off. I move on. Lifes too short and i enjoy being happy and looking forward to a good conversation.
had a three hour one last night after recording all day. so out of left field. but it made me smile the whole time and i’m looking forward to the story to come…
fin

love always,

momma

bullet,

you are too good and no man will ever be good enough for you in my eyes anyway and in anyone who really loves you. people cheat. it happens. sheff cheated on me when i was pregnant. he apologised profusely and promised to never do it again. but i always trusted him to be who and what he his. thats it.

it always bothered him that i didn’t trust him for reals. when i found out i ended it. it was the faerytale romance for all of a brief moment and then poof! all done. alexi was born 3 months premature and he has cerebral palsy. and sheffer cheated on the two girlfriends he’s acquired since me. We can only be who we are.

be strong, and in saying that, i mean don’t beat yourself up too much for being with your ex. think of the happiness you had too. think of the unique moments that will never happen ever again. think of the good things that you take away from the experience because the bad only hold you back from growing.

love you and miss you and really wish you’d be back in the gym soon! anytime you need an ear, or shoulder or just a girlfriend to go out dancing with, i’m here homie! xxx

To whom it may concern:

Today Alexi woke up and after he yelled “I’m hungry!!!” He said ” Mama today is tomorrow again?”

He’s two.  I anwered him ” Yes, baby, today is tomorrow again.”  He smiled and started squooshing his nose with his finger and laughing. Thats the new thing that cracks us up.

sincerly,

s. persi

a,

…i mean my waist for those jeans ; ) i’m a 7 but i haven’t bought jeans for awhile. i have some really old 36’s that i wear a belt with that are oh so way shredded and covered in paint. i love them. had em since highschool and used to wear them in stomp. haven’t worn them for awhile though.
yours are much more ready to wear ; ) what are yours a 28 ?  lol.
seriously i’m sure your waist size is smaller than mine. for sure your butt! ha ha ha . let me know when and where i can get my hands on em!  ; )

e,

you guilted me into writing. i’ve been so blocked up with this shit! a couple weekends ago i had two days to writed three songs damnit! and this here letter writing thing really fucked my shit up man! i did it. and i actually really dug the last one i wrote especially but i had to really give myself a kick in the ass to get started. then i swore the ball was rollin but it just wasnt.

p.s. do i sound as bitter as you?

respectfully,

s

e,

i do not pretend to know what its all about. you have your reasons. my beer is almost done and i’m sure you are on your fourth, at the bar but seventh all together for the evening thus far. its 11:30 btw so you can think and calculate when you read this. i’m not tired and i knew i wouldn’t be tonight. and it would be nice sitting at wielands shooting the shit with ya. i think we would remind each other a bit of him. we’ve both been in love with him and we both have spent enough time with him. you do realise we were never introduced to eachother for a reason right? no one ever introduced us. well i think we’ve finally had our first conversation yo.

besos,

s

dear myspace blog,
he told me to write more. he said i write in my myspace blog more than the workshop. i said i hate fucking letter writing. its kicking my ass and leaving my head blocked. i haven’t written shit because of the damn letters. i used to be so good at it. i had reason to write. a couple of them actually. got a kid with one and i oh too vividly remember the other telling me that he wanted to be with me before i had another kid with some other guys face on it besides his. now i hear he doesn’t want any. he just settled for the wrong partner is all. convinced her the faerytale, which he hates faerytales and she was an easy sell anyway, and now is stuck because divorce is for losers, or so he thinks, i think. fucking bull shit.  what do you want a letter from me for? a letter? life goes by too quick. by the time you get it, its over. hell, by the time i finish writing it,i’m over it! nowahimsayin?
peace.

first off i don’t get this whole obsession of yours about me writing baby or honey or sweetie to people. honestly, i’ve looked and i can’t find all this “flirting” you’re talking about.
second you deleting me as a friend gave me freedom to do as i want on myspace? i didn’t think your myspace friendship was stopping me.
third i NEVER felt like you offered me everything. you only said you did to throw it at me when we werent together. you NEVER took my hands and put your everything in them. NEVER! you are too stubborn and too guarded. you say the right things at the wrong time.
fourth i love you. i have for too long now to put you through any more shit unless its worth it for you and i just don’t think it is. i don’t think i can give you what you want and deserve right now. i’m way shut down and in all honesty i’d rather just be alone in my house with my boys everynight and not talk to anyone on the phone even. i make feeble attempts at being “normal” but when it comes down to it i’m not. I’ve been extremely depressed for awhile now and i am finding it quite difficult to snap out of it. I don’t think you need to deal with it. i don’t think its fair to further subject you to my deamons.
fifth, maximilians having his own issues right now that he and i need to work through. JUST he and i and then confront his dad on a united front.
sixth, all of Alexi’s stuff is really draining me. i’m not pleasant to be around and i acknowledge that.
seventh i don’t have garbage to give you i have things to give you. things that i can give you.
eighth, don’t lie and say you aren’t mad in one message and then say you are mad in another. i know you are mad and you have every right to be.
ninth, if you have soo much animosity towards me than flip the switch because it will NEVER work between us if you can’t let the shit go.
tenth, ah knee ohovet otra