traitrise

dear mama,

i knew the job was dangerous when i took it. yeah yeah yeah. same story, same characters, different players is all.
i think my issue is i am too prima facie. i mean seriously with me what you see right off is what you get forever unless you dissappoint me, then its over.
i think people are so accustomed to playing the game that they forget to just “cop a squat” and enjoy the picnic. Sad.
i started it. i was soo interested until i noticed though interested in me he kept cultivating more interested parties. no worries, i started it. i knew what ring i was walking into.
the draw was the interest and passion and joie de vive that i got back from interacting with him. i felt alive and excited and a girl again. then one day i got a picture from him that he had previosly sent and the lights all started blinking- red.
i figured if he sent it to me again he was having trouble remembering which picture he was sending and to whom. Basically, it put me in my place, and reminded me that he likes to keeps his ‘fans’ happy.and i was just one of them.
yuck. at that point my interest deflated like a balloon. i mean really, just picutre the balloon flying around the room deflating and making that horrible noise when you stop pinching it together to hold the air in.
of course plans were already made, so there was a weekend trip planned that was about to happen. so it did. it was fun. i must admit. i had resoved myself to have fun because why shouldn’t i?  it wasnt going anywhere from there but sometimes living life in the moment is a good, vivacious thing. so i did.
then it was my turn. i conveniently needed a holiday and he wanted someone to hang out with him for his bday. convenient, right? right. again, nothing big, just living in the moment sort of thing. enjoying the little things and not concerning myself with the “big picture.” we had fun. but i realised fun isn’t enough, i want romance too. and because of his “other interests” i couldn’t allow myself  to be romantically involved so that was a useless venture.
he told me “not to give up on him.” but i didn’t understand what that meant. i still don’t, i was interested but his other interests turned me off. so i’m done.
does that mean i “gave up on him?”
i kinda feel like if you meet someone that sparks something, then you should investigate that spark. i have a one track mind, though i have juggled men in the past, but if its a good man, i need all my energies just for him!
i dropped my “other interests” to focus on how i felt about him, just him. he was unable to do the same so it made my assesment easy.
who watches arrested developement religiosly like my household? when i got back from my trip last month i told my sister “i’ve made a huge mistake.”
its funny if you get the reference.
i don’t share, i don’t get jealous, I turn off. I move on. Lifes too short and i enjoy being happy and looking forward to a good conversation.
had a three hour one last night after recording all day. so out of left field. but it made me smile the whole time and i’m looking forward to the story to come…
fin

love always,

momma

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